A father who abandoned his kids for 9 years and then asked for contact again and got his oldest child’s (my sister) email. To which, he sent only 5 emails not talking once about the past and smoothly (or so he thought) avoiding her questions, until she asked him for money to which he just disappeared again. ( Seems like he has a knack of that doesn’t it?)
This is kind of a rant slash “letter” which I’m not ever going to send slash just another form of writing down my feelings.
I feel that a child shouldn’t ever feel the emotion of anger towards any of their parents. Ever. Because the parent has usually has more experience and is usually wiser than the child. But I’ve decided to make one exception. My exception is that only if the parent harms the child. And that’s what you did. I’m not accusing you; I’m simply stating facts. Now you might be sitting there thinking, how have I ever harmed any of my children (because you think like that, don’t you?) well, as your child, I’m telling you I’ve been harmed, and as a sibling of your other children, I can tell you that you’ve harmed them as well. I’m not going to go into what you did in your private life, because frankly I’m still your child, and at the end of the day, it’s your life. I can think its wrong, but it’s not my place to tell you what to do and what not to do. Let me tell you why I’m certain that what you did was harmful in to us kids- or at least to me. You left me, when I am your responsibility. There is no debate on whether a child is a parent’s responsibility or not, and if someone was to turn around and say that hold on a second, it depends on whether the parent felt that they could be able to look after and care for the child, I would look at them and think, what planet are you living on? Doesn’t what you’re saying sound so baseless and illogical? And I would also think, oh that’s just sad. So sad that you don’t know that a child has the right to have actual parents who look after them, and have the right for their parents to actually be a part of their lives.
Coming back to you, I have the right to ask you any question we want to, considering the difficult and extremely hard position you’ve put me in. And so I have the right to ask you the question what exactly was your plan when you sent us to a different country, claiming it was for a “holiday”? Did you realise that you were harming us- me- by just literally putting me in a different country and then just leaving? Physically and mentally? Did you not stop and think why am I kicking my own children out of their home – out of our home, and not even telling them why? Did you think just leaving me for a good 9 years was okay? Do you not know what kind of consequences that it had? I would literally throw a fit you were to turn around and say to me, I’m sorry I didn’t realise you would get harmed and I wasn’t thinking of the consequences, because that just tells me that’s because you weren’t thinking of what’s best for your children or what’s best for me. You were thinking of what was best for yourself. You were thinking what’s best for yourself, when you left us with nothing. And a parent always puts their children before themselves, so what kind of parent are you?
Did you not feel any remorse into not watching your last child, and my little sister grow up? And I most definitely don’t want you to turn around and say, I do feel remorse, which is why I’m contacting you, because I will just think, what, you weren’t thinking about it for the past 9 years, what it’s just suddenly occurred to you, did you have “a dream”? Financially wise, you have lot to pay for (everything actually). Yeah, I survived, but no thanks to you. Yeah we got shelter, we had food, we could wear clothes, we could go to a school, but no thanks to you. Which is a bit surprising actually, because everybody knows that it’s the fathers job to make sure the children are financially stable. But you didn’t. And no, you didn’t. I’m not talking about recently, I’m talking about since we came here to London, 9 years ago, did you provide us with enough money so we were financially stable? No, you didn’t. You gave us a check of £600 for us all to buy beds. I don’t find that generous at all; considering you’re our father (what kind of beds did you want us to have?). You sent us a few parcels with interesting things inside. Is it some kind of new trend, to send winter clothes in summer and vice versa? Did you even know how old I was? You certainly didn’t know my style and what colour I liked. Why, because you never took the time, you have no idea how cliché that sounds (I guess a lot of children are put in this position), but you never took the time.
You seem to think that by sending a few parcels, that’s enough for you to do, and its equivalent with staying in contact with us, when in fact it clearly isn’t. You seem to be under the delusion that you have financially supported us throughout, but I fail to see how. I don’t really like the feeling of getting on with your life, but with a shadow following you, making you remember that there’s a chance you won’t be able to go university, because your dad doesn’t want to pay it for you and you’re sitting there thinking why? How? He still hasn’t changed? What did I do to deserve this? He can’t because he doesn’t have the “means” to, or he can because he doesn’t wish to, because he doesn’t like the idea of his kids sucking his bank account(s) dry, which is why he ran away in the first place? You have a lot of money, thank the Lord, and you’re telling me you can’t spare any of it? Yeah, you may think you don’t have enough compared to the people around you, but humans always compare themselves to others so that they can feel sorry for themselves and make other people feel sorry for themselves. And that’s why they are never content with what they have. Are you content?
It seems so bizarre to think that you want a fresh start but you don’t even want us to talk about what happened in the past. You don’t seem to think that we – that I have a lot of built up anger towards you, and just the idea of you coming back, doesn’t somehow lessen it.
Then it’s laughable that as soon as money is mentioned, you’ve disappeared again, because let’s face it, you don’t really want to make us happy, you have the need to just see your children, for yourself, not for us, and not for anyone else.
Are you angry? Angry with us voicing out our opinions of 9 bloody years. Or are you angry for putting yourself in this huge mess? Do you really think I’ll just be handed to you just like that, because you asked? Psh… You didn’t even say please. As far as I know, life isn’t really like that. You have to earn things, or so I’ve been taught.
When you’re given a second chance you don’t waste it, and you do your utmost best to redeem yourself. Maybe you’re surprised? Maybe you’re shocked that it’s not how you thought it would be. Are you? To be honest, I’m kind of shocked that you’re surprised. Because no one should think that it’s going to be that easy.
Why are humans so eager to push the blame off them self? Why is humanity so disgraceful? Why can’t we just accept that it was us who made the mistakes? How hard is it for one to put up their hand and say, that’s my fault, and I take full blame?, and you may feel embarrassed, but now someone actually is in fault, and we can move on from the blaming game, and carry on with our lives instead of going round and round in circles, when you know who’s in the wrong, you just want them to acknowledge that they are in the wrong too.
Maybe you’re confused? Maybe you don’t know how to reply to the questions. Maybe it’s been a long time since you had to deal with children and although that’s actually your own fault, maybe you’re stuck and don’t know what to do.
How about answering the questions that were asked by this:
A: actually I didn’t have a plan when I sent you here, truthfully, and I’m sorry, I didn’t use my brain into thinking far ahead, and I’m going to do everything I can to make you forgive me, and to make it up to you, and yes I take full blame, and I’ll tell you everything from my own view, so can see things how I saw things.
B: oh yeah actually I did have a plan, and that was that you were going to live with your grandparents, and not see me, and I’m sorry if you don’t think that’s practical but I do so yeah, and frankly that’s what matters.
C: erm, well the thing is uh I uh thought I had a plan, but everything actually came back and hit me in the face, so I guess its karma.
Just say something. Seriously, I genuinely just want to know what was going through your head – rather than you avoiding everything asked. Seriously. And I do have a right to know, since we were just pieces being moved around, but then again I don’t want to hear a cliché answer, because then I just think I’m wasting my time, ad Ill know that you haven’t changed and you’re still the same.
A: yeah I read your question and I’m going to tell you that I feel that I’m not really in a good financial position to pay your university fees even though I’m your father and it’s my responsibility. (Although I don’t think you’ll say that if you’d read what I wrote before, unless you don’t care in which we’ll see when you do reply (if you do reply)).
B: Yeah sorry that’s not going to happen. Too bad. Not everything is about you, you know ( who would’ve thought)
C: Yeah about that, just get a student loan. It’s not that difficult.
D: (if you’re in a really good mood and maybe an alternative universe) yeah ill pay your fees cos I know that what I’ve done is actually unforgivable and I’m going to do everything I can to try and build up our relationship, cos I want us to start over, and I’m going to do it right this time, and also because it’s my responsibility to, and I’m violating the right of you children. Again, just say what you’re genuinely thinking, but bear in mind that if you want to build a relationship, you need to try and sacrifice some things, and you are going to have to put yourself in the hot seat, and take the blame, oh, and also pay up.
A: No way is that happening. I am so not buying you a house. Do I look like I’m loaded (to which I’ll just reply yes).
B: you’ve survived for 9 years I’m sure you can carry on doing just fine
C: okay, I can’t buy you a house, but I can put some money toward it
D: I know that when I said come live with me, I was being really and utterly completely irrational and so again I’m going to figure something out, but I will help you, because I know that what you need in your life is a father figure you never had, and it would be nice to have your own house for a change of just moving from place to place (considering I do (and everybody I knows I do) have the means to).
Just think about it. Is it possible that abandoning your children is wrong? (Yes 100 %!!!!!!) Can you please not keep giving excuses?, when we all know you’re wrong, because you don’t know what it’s doing to my head. Please, just accept you’re bloody wrong!!!
What you reply determines whether or not I want to re-establish my relationship with you, and it most certainly determines for my other siblings as well. If you don’t even reply at all, then I know, that you haven’t changed, and you don’t really want contact, and I can finally continue with my life, not looking back once, not feeling sorry for you at all, and just putting everything behind me, but still having the same anger and even hatred towards what you’ve done.